Vanuit het niets had ik géén gevoel meer.

Twee weken geleden. Ik zit rustig op de bank, en knuffel nog even met Jizhmahaël net voor het slapen gaan. Jizh geeft me een kus, en kijkt me heel diep in mijn ogen aan, plots zegt hij; Mam, wat doe je? Op het moment dat hij deze woorden uitspreekt, kreeg ik het gevoel dat ik flauw zou vallen, maar dat gebeurde niet. Ik gaf hem snel een kus, en zei; Slaaplekker lieverd, wat ben ik toch altijd trots op je, ga nu maar snel met oma mee naar boven. Ik zag aan Jizh zijn snoet, dat hij dit maar heel vreemd vond.

Nadat Jizh boven was met mijn moeder, kwam mijn vader vanuit de achtertuin binnen. Ik zei direct; Pap, ik voel me niet goed. Mijn gevoel is weg, ik voel niks meer van mijn gezicht, en mijn hoofd doet zo’n vreselijke pijn, en ik ben misselijk! Mijn vader kwam direct met zijn telefoon bij me, zodat we de huisartsen post konden bellen. Ik bleef eigenlijk heel relaxt en kalm. Voor iedereen die mij goed kent, weet ook wel dat ik géén druktemaker ben, en altijd uiterst kalm kan reageren als er wat aan de hand qua ziekte of zeer. Wij maken ook op medische gebied best wat mee, op ten duur wen je daar toch aan.

Inmiddels alles door gesproken met de huisartsenpost en ze zouden overleggen met de dienst doende arts, ik had net een paar minuten opgehangen en de telefoon ging alweer. De assistent aan de lijn zei: ‘Mevrouw, er is niet acuut denken we iets heel ernstig aan de hand, maar het is wel van belang dat we u binnen een half uur kunnen zien.” Oké, onhandig! Kinderen net op bed, en we zouden nog wel gezellig aan de thee gaan, dacht ik. Het was al zo’n K.U.T. dag geweest.

Ik had immers heel de dag met Jizh in het ziekenhuis doorgebracht, voor allerlei onderzoeken, en met een kind die een trauma heeft opgelopen in het ziekenhuis, zijn dit altijd heel inspannende, stressvolle en onrustige dagen. Maar goed, wat wilde ik dan.. Ik kan ook niet met een verlamd gezicht blijven zitten, knallende hoofdpijn en de gok nemen dat dit wel eens goed zou kunnen komen.. Totaal niet verantwoord zou dat zijn, dus tuurlijk stapte ik naast mijn moeder op de bijrijdersstoel, en weer naar de huisartsenpost. Al was ik best teleurgesteld, er is altijd al wat, en dan nu ik.

Eenmaal aangekomen in het ziekenhuis, moest ik wat testen doen, veel vragen beantwoorden, en er werd overlegd en kwamen ze tot de conclusie dat het toch vreemd was dat mijn gezicht deels is uitgevallen. Want de testen voor een eventuele hersenbloeding wat een mogelijkheid wel degelijk kon zijn, kwamen niet met elkaar overeen. Goed, weer wat overleg verder, en heel veel vragen kwamen de arts tot de conclusie dat ik het rustiger aan moest gaan doen. Het tempo wat ik nu leef, alles wat we hebben meegemaakt, het was te veel. Mijn lichaam heeft het signaal gegeven; STOP, wakker worden! Inmiddels heb ik ook last van een tintelende arm, verre van fijn en handig…

Thuis dacht ik hier nog even over na, en zette op een rijtje wat wij wel niet allemaal voor ons kiezen hebben gekregen de afgelopen jaren qua de gezondheid van Jizhmahaël, Yalmard in het ziekenhuis voor de ontsteking van zijn hartzakje, mijn vader voor onderzoek en een verkeerde diagnose. Alles heeft onwijs veel stress gegeven, en dan nog te bedenken al die mensen die me zo graag ten gronde wilde maken op social media zie hiervoor mijn blog: “Mijn brandstof tot succes”. Ik ben een heel gevoelig persoon, en ik kan ook haarfijn aanvoelen als iemand niet helemaal lekker in zijn vel zit. Hoe kan het nou, dat niemand het andersom heeft opgemerkt dat dit allemaal voor me te veel aan het worden was?

De afgelopen weken waren heel confronterend, vooral toen ik Jizhmahaël ging uitleggen, dat hij mama moest helpen. Dat ik even niet meer kon. Ik was zo moe, ik voelde me echt als een oud vrouwtje ver in de 80. Jizh keek me met grote ogen aan, op het moment dat ik het uitsprak. Mama, kan alles denkt hij altijd, kan ik ook, tuurlijk.. Maar nee, nu even niet. Mijn jongste reageerde alleen maar heel opgelucht; “Dus je gaat niet dood dan? Werken je hersenen ook nog?”. Ja, we hebben gegierd van het lachen!

Het is nou eenmaal zo, dat iedereen denkt dat ik een mega netwerk aan vriendinnen en vrienden heb, ik zal je meteen in dit blog uit de droom helpen. Nee, die heb ik niet. Nee, ik ga niet dagelijks met mijn familie om, en niemand loopt hier de deur plat. Het meest van de week sta ik er toch echt helemaal alleen voor, want Yalmard is alleen al 70uur in de week van huis voor werk. Gelukkig heb ik onwijze hulp aan mijn ouders (ik spreek en zie ze bijna iedere dag, dat is altijd al zo geweest), en ondersteunen waar ze kunnen, maar ook zij werken, en laten we eerlijk zijn; Je wilt toch ook zuinig op je ouders zijn en ze niet voor ieder wissewasje laten oppassen, of je huis laten boenen en schrobben? Tenminste, wij niet. Maar oké, rustig aan doen, hoe dan? Waar begin je met rustiger aandoen…

Het is heel lastig rustig aandoen, maar met zo een optater, geloof me. Ik had geen keus. Ik kwam amper vooruit, moesten de kinderen mij wakker maken om naar school te kunnen gaan, in plaats van andersom. Nu bijna 14dagen verder, is de rust hersteld, ben ik heel eerlijk ook wel opgelucht. Ik ben weer een beetje op adem gekomen, veel hulp gehad van mijn ouders en Meghann mijn beste vriendin is komen helpen een dagje. Meghann appt me ook echt iedere dag, en als ik ergens mee zit probeert ze ook echt altijd tot een oplossing te komen, of mee te zoeken.

Inmiddels helpt mijn moeder ‘tijdelijk’ mee in de huishouding, mijn vader ondersteunt veel bij onze dieren en neemt de kinderen op zaterdag mee op pad. Zodat ik er iets rustiger achteraan kon hobbelen. Yalmard is altijd al zoveel weg, slaapt heel kort, maar toch stond hij nog vroeger op om de kinderen aan te kleden, en helemaal dan klaar te maken. Zodat ik alleen zelf nog uit bed hoefde te rollen, en zo de auto in naar school. Bedankt allemaal, het gaf even zoveel rust.

Nu, hoe is het nu? Het gaat best goed. Alleen ik kan niet te veel op één dag doen. Gister ging ik zelf fanatiek aan de slag met ons huis, de achtertuin. Ging staan koken, en picknicken in de tuin. Dat had ik eigenlijk dus niet moeten doen, want vandaag voel ik mijn gezicht weer, en tintelt een deel van mijn arm. Weer wat geleerd, alles een beetje verdelen dus. Normaal schrijf ik niet iets zo persoonlijk online in een blog, maar ik denk dat dit wel eens goed is, en dit is gewoon zoals het nu is. En nee, ik ben niet zo blij als dat ik normaal ben, want ik wil gewoon weer fit zijn, en worden.

Het klinkt misschien vreemd, maar ik ben toch blij dat ik dit wel heb meegemaakt. Ik ben weer eens met mijn neus op de feiten geduwd; dat ik iedere dag moet genieten! Leef! Het is zo belangrijk om stil te staan bij hoe je leeft, wat je wil, waar je van geniet. Het was mij opeens heel duidelijk, dat ik nog meer moet gaan genieten van het hier, en van het nu. Een aantal jaar geleden werd ik al met mijn neus op de feiten gedrukt door een bultje in mijn buik, waar ik tig onderzoek voor heb gehad, en al vaak weefsel uit heb laten halen, wat een spannende tijden waren dat. Slopend.

Ik ben heel gelukkig met Yalmard, en onze kinderen. Ik ben door alles, heel bewust van het leven geworden. Ik kijk er toch op een heel andere manier naar, dan dat ik er naar keek, toen ik amper in een ziekenhuis kwam. Voor nu… Ga ik eens even onze vakantie uitstippelen, en hoop ik een reactie van je te ontvangen op mijn blog bericht, dat ik sommige heb mogen inspireren om bewust naar je leven te kijken, en geef aan als iets moeilijk is of te veel is. Het is géén schande. Geniet van iedere dag! Geluk wordt niet bepaald door wat er om je heen gebeurt, maar door wat er in jou gebeurt, en wat alles om je heen met je doet als persoon.

Liefs,
Priscilla

997 replies on “Vanuit het niets had ik géén gevoel meer.

  • Janneke

    het leven is zo mooi maar ook zo fragiel. Probeer elk moment te genieten. Het is moeilijk maar de tijd gaat zo snel. Vooral als je al zoveel meegemaakt hebt. Probeer naar de goeie dingen te kijken.

    Succes met je herstel. Em neem de tijd. Je kunt het nooit meer terug draaien.

    Groetjes Janneke, moeder van Elijah (deze week 7 geworden).

  • Janneke

    Heftig meis!!! Probeer lekker rustig aan te doen, valt allemaal niet Mee!!! Geniet van al het moois!!

  • Marissa

    Jeetje kan me voorstellen hoe moeilijk t is om rustig aan te doen. Wij moeders rennen en vliegen altijd maar door en denken de hele wereld aan te kunnen.

    Maar soms is luisteren naar je lichaam noodzakelijk en dat kunnen we misschien maar beter blij zijn dat ons lichaam zo’n signaal geeft, waarna we in elk geval de mogelijkheid krijgen om t rustig aan te gaan doen.

    Veel sterkte

  • Frandin

    Heftig! En helaas herkenbaar. Sinds een aantal weken ben ik thuis met de diagnose “uitputting”. Mijn hele omgeving, inclusief ikzelf, vindt dit echt niets voor mij. Ik ben rustig, heb altijd alles onder controle, ik kan goed nee zeggen, ik eet gezond en heb een prima baan en een mooi gezin. En toch is het me overkomen. Leerzaam is het wel, niet leuk helaas.

    Sterkte met opkrabbelen. Zorg goed voor jezelf. X

  • Mirella

    Hier was het mijn kleine meisje ( nu 9) die 1.5 jaar geleden deze hobbel te ervaren kreeg. Even pas op de plaats en uiten wat er allemaal in zit.
    Je schrikt je rot. En gaat inderdaad duidelijk kijken naar het leven! Nu 1.5 jaar later zijn we zeker op de goede weg maar het is nog niet voorbij. Luister aub heel goed naar je lichaam. En idd geniet elke dag! Alle negatieve mensen, dagen en opmerkingen zijn het niet waard om lang mee bezig te zijn. De positieve daarentegen brengen de lichtpuntjes.
    Heel veel sterkte en succes. Want ik weet als geen ander hoe moeilijk het was, is en nog gaat worden. Maar samen met al je dierbaren en goed luisteren naar jouw lichaam en gevoel ga je er komen. Xxx

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